Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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