My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
