you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
