so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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