Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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