The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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