Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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