I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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