he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
