I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
