I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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