y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
