I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
