i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
