if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
