went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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