GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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