Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
