Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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