So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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