Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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