plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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