You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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