Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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