Your face is a jimmy john
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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