Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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