Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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