I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
