Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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