I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
