your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
