Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
