she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
