It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
