Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
