I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
