omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
