evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
