i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
