when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
