I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
