Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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