Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
What drink are we having for lunch?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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