eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
