Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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