Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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