Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
