I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
