Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
