I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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