On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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