i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
