So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
