Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
