It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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