She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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