You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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