i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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