Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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