my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize