12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
