Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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