It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
