well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
