we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
