First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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