Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
