I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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