so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
