i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
