I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
