Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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