Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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